m4ge:

a quick step by step guide on what to do if you come back to your apartment and find yourself locked out because your front door is frozen shut

1. kick the bottom of the door for 10 minutes
2. text your landlord
   
3. remember your landlord is on vacation and also in her mid 50′s so it takes about 36 hours to receive a response
4. briefly wonder why the fuck you moved the canada
5. remember that college tuition is significantly cheaper here than in the united states 
6. look up and notice your cat is at the window, staring at you. he paws at the window lightly and meows. it’s devastating. his eyes are so big and imploring. decide that you have to get inside your apartment at all costs. not even god himself can stop you from feeding your cat his chicken wet food dinner. frida kahlo herself could descend from the heavens and ask “hey you wanna bang?” and you’d say “hell yeah but first let me open this door so i can feed my cat his dinner”
7. remember there is a starbucks 3 blocks down the street from you
8. enter. the barista gives you a weird look for entering a starbucks at 7pm on a tuesday
9. order a venti cup of hot water. you order in french because the barista just said “bonjour” instead of “bonjour, hi.” you have a strong american accent. you hit the r in merci a little too hard to compensate. you embarrass yourself.
10. exit the starbucks clutching the massive cup of hot water in your hands. it’s burning your fingers.
11. return. methodically pour the starbucks cup of water all over the the door frame. it begins moving a little but still wont open
12. back up
13. ensure your doc martens are properly gripping the sheet of ice covering the ground. many people have told you to stop wearing doc martens in the winter, despite your protests that theyre actually the ideal winter boot. also, you’re a lesbian and punk’s not dead
14. release a pterodactyl screech and sprint towards the door, slamming the full force of your pathetically tiny 5′2″ 110lb body into it
15. you dont know any of your neighbors so you dont care about maintaining your pride anyways
16. the door swings open
17. run up the stairs
18. open the actual door to your apartment and yell MOMMY’S HOME MY LITTLE BITCHASS BABY BOY DONT WORRY at your cat
19. cat flings his body to the ground and starts purring like he does every time you come home
20. write tumblr post